Would you be there... ♥
Sunday, November 28, 2010
2:53 PM
I shall start of with what i'm going to write today.
Simple yet complicated, yup, relationship.
I guessed some should know that i'm stuck in a relationship that i dont know to be moving forward or backward.
And, i'm telling you people. I'm done with my life of relationship and i mean it.
For the sake of Emily, i'm going to do that cause i don't want her follow my footstep and i'm writing this blog cause i want her to know what had happened this four year between us.
27 Nov, i thought about it during that night. Having to ask myself why this is happening? Why is this turning this way..
Q1. Do you still love him?
i feel i don't love him anymore, from the day he hurt me real deep. I tried but he is just not the guy i wanted to live together with.
Q2. Why keep scolding him?
The reason i wanted to scold him is because he did thing the way that it should be told, not being initiative. What the point of it? But out of so many things that i really don't want him to do yet he still does it. I felt that i just can't live my life with this kind of person.
Have he ever wondered, if i really got to marry to him, one fine day and we got a quarrel, where should i turn my head to? Where do i bring my daugther to as i knew he would'nt care for her too.
Q3. Why still be together then?
Everything i done is just for Emily, i want her to lead a happy, with a fullfill family around her. But i'm sorry to say, i can't. What done is done, there won't be turning back even fixing it. A broken glass will always leave it's crack even if you fixed it, so what's the point?
Seems like on every important event, he bound to be quarreling with me saying that it's my fault and stuff, have he ever be in my shoes before? i guess no. Either do i.
I truly regreted giving my whole youth to him where i know my life can be better still.
I blame no one but me, this is my life, if heaven wants me to own my life this way, i shall go this way until the end.
I have told him endless time, nobody cares about me, nobody at all. i quarrel with my dad because of him, my dad wanted me to move away, but who can i find.. nobody....
the only thing i know, nobody likes me and Emily.. bully us, the next day ignore us.. what's more?
Friends? they need me they call me, they don't need they throe me aside...
and him, quarrel with me,
how i he can be better, chase after me when i turn my back off but nope. He's pissed off because i walked away.
but he doesnt know that everytime i ran away, i'm crying also.
he wont know cause he never ask at all, always wants to push the blames to me.
tired, hopeless. and it goes on. but no point too.
today, 28 Nov
i went to his house to clear my stuff away, hoping that im not in his life before. i wish he can never appear in my life again. this year shall be the last year we meet. because we tried, and yup, becasue everything was my fault not his.
I will never forget how he treated me in the past, how he said when he wanted to patch back.
It was just a dream, so perfect for me that i dont want to wake up from it.
but when i woke up is all back to square one again.
I told myself i wont cry for him anymore but i guess i still cried for morever reasons but at least both of us is better that way isnt it.
All i want to say that, Emily, im sorry girl! Sorry for not giving you a family that other children are having, sorry that you have to workhard yourself because i cant afford to give you everything like other child do.
im sorry because i love you and i dont want you to get hurt like how im now. you are always the girl i feel proud. =)
Would you be there... ♥
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
1:19 PM
ii donnoe what's happeninn recently.. kinda mood off. is like whatever all of them do is just out of my way...
ii felt regret in some way to my dad.. iim sorry but ii wouldnt dare to say out..
maybe he's right and some way ii felt it's wrong but no matter what he's my dad and ii shouldnt have put the anger on him.. what's wrong with me!!!
the world is coming to the end for me? or because imm a nobody??
yesterday before ii went to bed i told myself, how ii wish ii could die instant.. ii just hate it myself so much..
the people, ii helped so much yet nobody helped back.. yea, uu can say iim a busybody but all i wann was to get attention..
my family, both of my brothers, ii have no words to describe..
my dad, ii guess ii still donn understand him well AT ALL..
my mum, all he cares are still his sons and always put the blame on me telling me that is mine fault for not giving him freedom..
imm sorry, for a million times, but what does it help?
how i wish i can be rich, ii donn care about happiness or family bondinn..
as long as there's money, everything. and i mean EVERYTHING just make the wrold go round..
